'we're all mad here'- the cheshire cat from alice in wonderland
changes. i’ve gone through a lot of them recently. what the heck is going on with my life?
[barf. i wonder how many blog posts have started with those three sentences? gross.]
let’s try again.
i am TWO weeks into my fall 2011 semester. i now have TWO majors, neither of which i am clear about what i want to do with. i now have EIGHT roommates. i was only cast in ONE dance piece of any kind for this fall. however, i will be choreographing at least SIX songs for cabaret company. i am approaching pseudo-financial-independence, which feels great, yet i am not so sure about this “getting up early every day of the week” thing. i suppose if i can put some money in savings, then it is worth it. my parents are… aging. it sounds horrible but that’s the only way to put it. health problems suck. i am single and still pretty happy about it. in the past two years i feel like my life has completely changed and if you had asked me then where i thought i would be now, my current life situation is definitely not what i would have described. yet somehow i could never have imagined how happy and fulfilled my life would be where i am right now. i still long to do more with my life and see the world and help people along the way and just do everything, but somehow i am learning to be totally okay right where i am. i usually am never able to let myself be satisfied with what my current circumstances and actions are, but i think it is perfectly okay to both hold yourself to high standards and go for huge goals while at the same time being aware that maybe i won’t have tomorrow. maybe i won’t have next week. maybe i will die without seeing castles in denmark and temples in india and without giving clean water to people all over africa or saving refugees from the eastern european sex slave trade. maybe maybe i will die in akron, oh, right where i started. as lame as that sounds, i am still filled with joy because i am alive. i am a tiny organism on a tiny planet in a tiny solar system in a tiny galaxy amongst unimaginable numbers of others. i am nothing. and yet i am permitted not only life, but also love, acceptance, mercy and grace from the one who created it all, even though i spent 19 years of my life in complete disbelief and ignorance. like dude, get a telescope out at night and look UP. the fact that i am so insignificant in the grand scheme of things and yet i am loved as equally as anyone else is so mind-boggling to me. this blog post just turned into something i didn’t initially even intend for it to be, but i don’t even care because my hearts just feels like its going to explode…
maybe i will see denmark, india , and be someone’s hero in a few years. those would be such incredible opportunities. but if not, i think i will still be okay. in fact, i might even be happy. as confused as i am with what my life will look like for the next few years, i am trusting that it will be okay.
i could say i’m going to start posting every week, but that woud be a promise we all know i wouldn’t keep. it’s okay, i only have about 3 followers anyways… that makes me feel like less people are bothered by it!
peace and happy travels to wherever the wind takes you :D
