'we're all mad here'- the cheshire cat from alice in wonderland
so here’s a quick thought for your penny.
i have honestly been depressed for the past four and a half months. there have been ups and downs, but mostly it has been a grief-stricken, mood-swingy, unmotivated hell of a frame of a life not my own. never having lost anyone so close to me before, kevin’s death caught me way off guard. i do not know how to handle things like unexpected grief like that. i have spent the last four months learning to accept his death and absence from my life. it has certainly not been easy, and i am certainly not done. i know that i have to use my memories of kevin and the ways he always used to motivate and drive me to accomplish my goals; i have been aware of this this whole time. however, despite the fact that i knew what i had to do, i could not manage to do it. i have been late to or absent from every class, rehearsal, meeting, deadline, etc. that i have faced since this semester started. i think it is honestly because when i realized how temporary and fragile our lives are, i sort of realigned my priorities; things like due dates, class start-times, and showing up for rehearsals and other commitments did not seem as significant in the long run. this was the wrong way to approach getting over kevin. while i do realize what is important in life now, i also more recently understand that i cannot let those seemingly unimportant things fall by the wayside in my life. i cannot let myself ‘just not turn things in’ or show up 10 minutes late to my math class literally every day. i have serious problems with this. it is not that i do not try to be on time; sometimes i do put forth some effort, but whatever i manage to achieve is foiled by some other stupid thing i neglected- example: the day i was about to be 5 minutes early to math, and then realized i did not have my keys; example2: the day i was way early for ballet, but forgot to bring tights and hair stuff.
this morning i got up to go to my Modern 4 midterm conference, which was scheduled for 9:20. i was getting ready, pulling myself together, and i was making perfect time. however, apparently i was looking at my clock, seeing ‘9:30’ and ‘9:50’ and thinking ‘8:30’ and ‘8:50, because when i looked at my phone as i was walking out the door, it said ‘10:03.’ when i showed up to my prof’s office, almost an hour late for my conference, he was pissed, and i have almost never felt more stupid. the fact that i am late to everything was most of what we talked about, in regards to how selfish, vain, and disrespectful it makes me look. it also makes me seem irresponsible, unreliable, and untrustworthy.
for the past four and a half months, i have been living in a dream-like state of half apathy, not being concerned with rules or the things that will ultimately help me achieve my goals. i have not been happy… there have been points where things have seemed okay, but those have mostly been when i actually was on top of things and on time.
it is time to stop pretending i don’t care, time to stop make excuses and live my life.
i have a new goal: i am going to double major in Dance Education and Spanish Education, so that after my professional dancing is done, i will hopefully be able to teach dance in a spanish-speaking country, before eventually returning to the states to teach both dance and spanish, if possible, in a visual & performing arts high school, or other accredited program. i will be able to see the world, experience other cultures, and, overall, dance- the love of my life.
i now have a concrete goal in mind. and with hard work, dedication to timelines, and some serious soul-searching, my dreams may not be too far away.
i would like to say that i am turning over anew leaf, but i hate the cliché.
this will definitely not be the final moment of clarity in my life, but it is definitely a big one.
hey world? look out… i’m coming!
