changes. i’ve gone through a lot of them recently. what the heck is going on with my life?
[barf. i wonder how many blog posts have started with those three sentences? gross.]
let’s try again.
i am TWO weeks into my fall 2011 semester. i now have TWO majors, neither of which i am clear about what i want to do with. i now have EIGHT roommates. i was only cast in ONE dance piece of any kind for this fall. however, i will be choreographing at least SIX songs for cabaret company. i am approaching pseudo-financial-independence, which feels great, yet i am not so sure about this “getting up early every day of the week” thing. i suppose if i can put some money in savings, then it is worth it. my parents are… aging. it sounds horrible but that’s the only way to put it. health problems suck. i am single and still pretty happy about it. in the past two years i feel like my life has completely changed and if you had asked me then where i thought i would be now, my current life situation is definitely not what i would have described. yet somehow i could never have imagined how happy and fulfilled my life would be where i am right now. i still long to do more with my life and see the world and help people along the way and just do everything, but somehow i am learning to be totally okay right where i am. i usually am never able to let myself be satisfied with what my current circumstances and actions are, but i think it is perfectly okay to both hold yourself to high standards and go for huge goals while at the same time being aware that maybe i won’t have tomorrow. maybe i won’t have next week. maybe i will die without seeing castles in denmark and temples in india and without giving clean water to people all over africa or saving refugees from the eastern european sex slave trade. maybe maybe i will die in akron, oh, right where i started. as lame as that sounds, i am still filled with joy because i am alive. i am a tiny organism on a tiny planet in a tiny solar system in a tiny galaxy amongst unimaginable numbers of others. i am nothing. and yet i am permitted not only life, but also love, acceptance, mercy and grace from the one who created it all, even though i spent 19 years of my life in complete disbelief and ignorance. like dude, get a telescope out at night and look UP. the fact that i am so insignificant in the grand scheme of things and yet i am loved as equally as anyone else is so mind-boggling to me. this blog post just turned into something i didn’t initially even intend for it to be, but i don’t even care because my hearts just feels like its going to explode…
maybe i will see denmark, india , and be someone’s hero in a few years. those would be such incredible opportunities. but if not, i think i will still be okay. in fact, i might even be happy. as confused as i am with what my life will look like for the next few years, i am trusting that it will be okay.
i could say i’m going to start posting every week, but that woud be a promise we all know i wouldn’t keep. it’s okay, i only have about 3 followers anyways… that makes me feel like less people are bothered by it!
peace and happy travels to wherever the wind takes you :D
push me all you want. i’m not gonna let myself be a pushover anymore. i’m done with that nonsense. no more buts. that is all.
i am scared. i am so scared. i have no idea what is about to happen and i do not feel like i am in control of anything. if i am not even in control of my own thoughts, how am i supposed to be able to live my life? what if everything i have ever assumed to be true is a complete falsehood and i am actually not the person i thought i was? having a small personal crisis at the moment… i feel powerless and i am trying to do this thing and i am failing, miserably. again, i am terrified..
i need to somehow make it through the next month. i am not sure how it will happen, but i have to do it. as for tonight, my current tasks include 5 late journal essays for philosophy, a paper for my modern class, studying and teaching myself 3 units of nutrition by 3pm, teaching myself the entire spanish language by 5, and staying awake through all of my classes today… then there is tomorrow, saturday, sunday… and the week starts over again. i hate the month of april. i really do… it is this month that makes everybody the most stressed. i just want to go to bed… but that is sooooo not even an option. zsdfhddghnsdgnhgnhfgfnfgnsfnfgnsfgnsfgnsfgnsfgnsfgnfnsfgnsfgnsfgnsfgnsfnsfgnsfgnsfgnsfgnsfgn
i don’t know if i can do it. i seriously don’t know if i’m going to make it through this semester without failing a class, pissing someone off, getting fired, ruining my gpa, thusly losing my scholarships, ruining my knees, not having any life plan of action or major for my college career……
how the hell is one person supposed to handle all of this??!?!?!?!!?! fml.
-i am dumb. i rsvp’d to a wedding on saturday. also on saturday, i have a brazilian dance workshop that goes from 10-2… the wedding starts at 2, and is half an hour away.
-the internet is sucking a lot.
-[i am tired, sore, in pain, sweaty, and generally exhausted, but that can be said of about any day that i am alive].
-i am finding it ridiculously difficult to do any work whatsoever in my philosophy class. i just can’t make myself care about the due dates for anything. i had a paper due monday… still haven’t written it… and i am trying really hard to make myself want to start, to no avail.
-i literally am about to resort to selling my plasma for money.
- i got hired at camp! but not the right camp… i got hired at rotary camp in medina… which is half an hour away from me.
-i complain too much, which makes me feel wayyyyy ugly.
so here’s a quick thought for your penny.
i have honestly been depressed for the past four and a half months. there have been ups and downs, but mostly it has been a grief-stricken, mood-swingy, unmotivated hell of a frame of a life not my own. never having lost anyone so close to me before, kevin’s death caught me way off guard. i do not know how to handle things like unexpected grief like that. i have spent the last four months learning to accept his death and absence from my life. it has certainly not been easy, and i am certainly not done. i know that i have to use my memories of kevin and the ways he always used to motivate and drive me to accomplish my goals; i have been aware of this this whole time. however, despite the fact that i knew what i had to do, i could not manage to do it. i have been late to or absent from every class, rehearsal, meeting, deadline, etc. that i have faced since this semester started. i think it is honestly because when i realized how temporary and fragile our lives are, i sort of realigned my priorities; things like due dates, class start-times, and showing up for rehearsals and other commitments did not seem as significant in the long run. this was the wrong way to approach getting over kevin. while i do realize what is important in life now, i also more recently understand that i cannot let those seemingly unimportant things fall by the wayside in my life. i cannot let myself ‘just not turn things in’ or show up 10 minutes late to my math class literally every day. i have serious problems with this. it is not that i do not try to be on time; sometimes i do put forth some effort, but whatever i manage to achieve is foiled by some other stupid thing i neglected- example: the day i was about to be 5 minutes early to math, and then realized i did not have my keys; example2: the day i was way early for ballet, but forgot to bring tights and hair stuff.
this morning i got up to go to my Modern 4 midterm conference, which was scheduled for 9:20. i was getting ready, pulling myself together, and i was making perfect time. however, apparently i was looking at my clock, seeing ‘9:30’ and ‘9:50’ and thinking ‘8:30’ and ‘8:50, because when i looked at my phone as i was walking out the door, it said ‘10:03.’ when i showed up to my prof’s office, almost an hour late for my conference, he was pissed, and i have almost never felt more stupid. the fact that i am late to everything was most of what we talked about, in regards to how selfish, vain, and disrespectful it makes me look. it also makes me seem irresponsible, unreliable, and untrustworthy.
for the past four and a half months, i have been living in a dream-like state of half apathy, not being concerned with rules or the things that will ultimately help me achieve my goals. i have not been happy… there have been points where things have seemed okay, but those have mostly been when i actually was on top of things and on time.
it is time to stop pretending i don’t care, time to stop make excuses and live my life.
i have a new goal: i am going to double major in Dance Education and Spanish Education, so that after my professional dancing is done, i will hopefully be able to teach dance in a spanish-speaking country, before eventually returning to the states to teach both dance and spanish, if possible, in a visual & performing arts high school, or other accredited program. i will be able to see the world, experience other cultures, and, overall, dance- the love of my life.
i now have a concrete goal in mind. and with hard work, dedication to timelines, and some serious soul-searching, my dreams may not be too far away.
i would like to say that i am turning over anew leaf, but i hate the cliché.
this will definitely not be the final moment of clarity in my life, but it is definitely a big one.
hey world? look out… i’m coming!